Seeds Of Frustration

 

Seeds Of Frustration

Frustration
Google definitions.

. the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something.

. an event or circumstance that causes one to have a feeling of frustration.
. the prevention of the progress, success, or fulfilment of something.

My inner sight (as of now) on Frustration:

. Directing reality with skills and abilities I never improved from since I was young, and now I am dealing with the consequences of not having acted in the past on improving those skills and abilities in the present reality and so “feeling” my inability or lack of the skills compromising me and my current reality, as I rather neglected the facts, pushed it aside as not important, not knowing how I could support or assisted myself and there was no support or assistance around me for those specific skills and abilities I knew I lacked within in the past. 

Exploration:

I struggled with WORDS and reading a LOT as a child (in my own language, which is Afrikaans, so not to mention English).

In grade one, I remember the teacher challenging kids every week to count to 20 or if they could all the way to 50, out loud in the classroom. I could not properly reach 20 without assistance, most of the kinds could count to twenty and easily go beyond. I remember the feeling of insecurity creeping up within me with just numbers and dealing with numbers.

The teacher in grade one would also once a week go through each student in the classroom to do the Alphabet, as you guessed it, I could not do the whole alphabet without assistance. I used to get lost at the letter L.

We had a few books in grade one that we had to read from daily, and we had specific dates by when we had to have finished reading the books, so this means everyday we had to go home and read two pages from the specific book for that week. I did not go home after school as my parents were at work till usually around 5 or 6 pm. Thus, I had to go to a sort of after school class where a bunch of kids from slightly different ages would just sit together and play till our parents could pick us up. In this time one of the present teachers for that afternoon had to “help” us do our homework if we needed, this rarely happened, as there were just too many kids to give each child support. So, what the teacher would do is say “ok Gian, bring me your reading book and read one page for me”, she would then sit down next to me and say, start reading.

There is a pause that is too long for the teacher, she would look at me and ask, well why are you not starting? And I would respond, I don’t’ know the first word, so she would say OK!! Spell it for me, and I would try and spell it for her, and she would say, that is not right, come on, don’t you know your alphabet? I would say, I do not know it so well, so she would start building “irritation” and “anger” up, I could feel it, as I just cut her work out for her, which she expected to be quick so she could get to all the other children also waiting. This would within about 10min of trying to help me read lead to her grabbing my arm and holding it tights, telling me in a angry irritated voice, SPELL it!!! WHAT IS THE WORD??? READ IT, very emotional and she would keep doing this for another 5min until she simply says, I GIVE UP!!! Slap my book closed and say, go play…. By this time I am sobbing and my whole face is wet, I felt useless and incapable. She did this a few times with me, as she wasn’t present each time at the after school, I also stopped telling other teachers at the after school that I had reading to do, but this teacher that emotionally abused me KNEW each time I had reading to do, and she basically started using me as a punching bag each time. In my second year of school I went to a new school and this ended.

In grade one (the year of turning seven), my parents had a meeting with my grade teacher, where she shared with my parents that she thinks I had to be held back another year. My parents did not allow this, and I was moved onto grade two.

I knew I had this “problem” and it was obvious among teachers and kids, there were a couple of other students with a very similar “problem” but most were above average. I now had a bigger “problem” besides not being able to read or count properly, in some cases at all. I have now been emotionally scarred by a certain person who was supposed to “help” me and be my support, thus I would simply not tell or share with anyone that I needed help.

Kind and “friendly” teachers that luckily liked me, would sometimes in spelling tests give me extra points for “trying” when I actually failed. Some teachers would keep me after-school for about 20 minutes (as they knew I was sitting in after-school classes) and they would let me redo tests with helping me without letting other students or teachers know, so I could pass. My maths picked up a bit and my numbers game, but not for long as my vocabulary level could not hold different words in maths to understand what was said or shared on how to do the math, we only had at that time a few subjects (at age 8).

I had a few emotional breakdowns in class in front of all the other children, I specifically remember in the first few weeks at a NEW school where all the kids were also still “strangers” the grade two teacher again asked everyone in the class to one at a time have a turn to count out loud to fifty, and if they could all the way to one hundred. When it came to me having to count, I first could not start, I had stage fright. When I started letting words as numbers come out of my mouth I counted all the way to twenty five, and then I started confusing the numbers, I could not say it correctly, one kid in class started laughing, and that was it for me, I broke down and cried and said out loud I CAN”T!!! The teacher (who was a very kind lady) came to me and said that is okay Gian (but obviously it wasn’t okay, and it was left there), she proceeded to look towards the class and asked, who here will be Gian’s buddy and show him the school and be his helping hands? Two kinds raised their hands (redirecting the problem away from solving it).

I continued to have this problem with words and reading, I did “catch up” every now and then. one of the main ways I catched up was through cheating lol, I found it funny that when I cheated such as copying other people’s homework quickly in the mornings before school started, I actually learned something about that subject plus spelling and writing. I mostly got away with this style of cheating through girls that liked me, but at the end of the years, I would fall, I could not cope anymore, this lead to me going a completely different way in life, as I started “rebelling” and showing anger, frustration with school, the system, and in general the entire system as a whole (including money and work/jobs etc) my own communication to share myself of what was on the inside to be equal to the outside was just horrible, misunderstood by most people and seen as “unclear”, sitting detention became a social gathering event.

To be continued.